How to talk to a Pregnant Woman

With the joys and anticipation of a new baby in your life comes lots of change, uncertainty, fears, excitement, challenges, and overall knowing your life is going to never be the same!  I have realized there are many moments that are just simply frustrating... when I forget simple things, I get confused easily, I am more sensitive than normal... I have come to realize, I am an extremely hormonal pregnant lady.  That being said, there were many things said during my first pregnancy, and already during this pregnancy that were just not things you want to say to a pregnant woman and I want to point these out as friendly tips to the general public.   If you have said any of these things, I am not holding it against you, I have just come to realize that well after I had my first child, before I was even pregnant with my second, I was dreading the same comments, which tells me it wasn't "just" my hormones, but things that may not be needed.  Also on this list are things friends and family have added from their experiences.  Apparently, lots of pregnant women hear funny things... if you have such an experience, please share as a comment, I find these said things rather humorous.

1.  "Were you planning this baby?"- When I tell you I'm pregnant, the fact is... I'm pregnant.  The baby is coming whether it was planned or not.  I never know how to answer this question because I always worry there's more behind it, if I say 'yes' does that mean they will then think we should have waited?  Or if I say 'no', that means the baby could be labeled as an "accident".  I used to answer the safest way I knew how, which was "well, we weren't doing anything to prevent it" which people always respond with, "well, then you were planning it".   I way over think things, this is my biggest flaw and I am well aware of that... however, if I am telling you I am pregnant, I don't see any reason to ask whether or not the baby was planned, let's focused on the fact that there is a baby, and celebrate new life! Yay baby!

2. "Can I rub your belly?" - Let's be honest, people don't actually ask this... they just do it.  But unless you want me rubbing your belly, assume I don't want you rubbing mine.  It's just weird.  I want to continue on this, but really, it's that simple, weird.

However, not weird when your kid wants to rub bellies!

3.  "How are you going to pay for the baby?" - None ya!  At least that's how I usually WANT to answer, I have yet to say that.  know people's intentions have never been to offend me, but I don't see any reason in asking any person this question.  I'm telling you the exciting news of having a baby, and you want to know how I'm paying for it?  Do I tell you how I pay for anything else?  Does it matter if I pay cash, use Medicaid, have insurance or maybe I'm taking out a loan?  The thing is, I feel this question only opens up the door for me to feel judged.  Before I told many people I was pregnant with this child I confided with a mentor about my fear of people asking us how we're paying because I hate feeling judged, they replied "no one is going to ask you that!"  Unfortunately, they were wrong.  Also, there may be a person in my life that this could be an exception to, but overall... I think it's a good one to avoid.

4. "You're getting huge!" - While I am well aware of the fact that I may be starting to resemble a whale, it's TOTALLY acceptable to lie in this instance.  I mean, I guess you don't have to remark on how I look while pregnant, but I know it has to cross someone's mind on how much a body changes while pregnant.  I know it does mine, and while I may think "Wow, hello whale lady!"  I prefer to say, "you look radiant!"  So you can even just completely quote me if you can't come up with anything, it's cool.

About as huge as this pregnant statue?! No bigger. 

5.  "Who all have you told?"  - Here's the important part, I want to share this news with YOU.  This isn't a popularity contest, or a ranking system of some kind.   Maybe we told you before someone else because we didn't know when we'd see you (or them) next.  We probably told immediate family before extended family.  We might not have been able to get a hold of certain people, or knew we'd be seeing them in the future and wanted to tell them in person.  Doesn't matter really, maybe we really do like someone else more than you.  Do you really want to know that?  When we do tell you, we want you to celebrate the news with us, if we didn't want you to celebrate with us, then we wouldn't have told you at all.

6.  "Don't use a birthing center"- *Sigh*... this is a touchy subject in my family.  I think me bringing this up now may get me disowned by my mother (just kidding mom, I know you love me).  However, I do feel like it is up to ANY mother to decide how her birth story is going to go.  I am not an idiot, I am aware of how my sister's birth experience went, and it was extremely unfortunate.  (Just to clarify, she had a beautiful, healthy, baby girl, but the birth experience in itself was dreadful)  That being said, I know TONS of other stories at birth centers that have been beautiful, touching, amazing stories, where everything went perfectly smoothly, and the baby was completely healthy.  I also know of some terrible deliveries that have happened in hospitals.  I could go on and on about why I could choose or not choose a birthing center, but the bottom line is, I want to know that it is MY choice, and people will love and support me regardless.  By the way, because I know this will lead to an inevitable "so where are you having the baby?" I did in fact choose the hospital, but mostly because my midwife, who I love dearly and delivered Genevieve, works there!

7. "Make sure you exercise more"- We all know the importance of exercise, you're healthier, you lose fat, it's great!  With pregnancy, your delivery will usually go smoother, you'll lose the baby fat quicker, and you'll recover more quickly.  See?  Look how much I know!  However, I have been sick almost ALL the time with this pregnancy, and eating bland rice and noodles for meals.  I know eating all carbs is bad, but I also know not eating at all is also bad.  Let me survive my pregnancy and I promise I will try to walk enough to make it up later.

I own a jogging stroller, convincing evidence of my willingness to exercise. 

8.  "You sure are dumb since you got pregnant" - Now, a few friends of mine have gotten away with this one because usually I bring it up first and we all get a good laugh out of it.   Including my husband.  However, be slow with this one, some days it's funny, other days I just might start bawling my head off, and then you'd have to deal with a crying pregnant lady... good luck with that.  Yes, I know I am finishing my sentences with "la la la" because I can't remember my thoughts or words to use... and I know I seem to lose everything I touch... but pretend you don't notice how dumb I am.  You don't have to lie about this one, and tell me I'm super quick or anything, but just let a few things slide.  (However, to make you confused, if I am laughing at my pregnancy brain it is totally OK to laugh along).

9.  "Are you going to breastfeed?" followed with "Don't you just love breastfeeding?"  - I think I have guiltily asked this myself.  Here's a simple answer.  Yes.  and  No, I do NOT love breastfeeding.   If you know me, you know this about me, it's not something you have to ask to find out.  But just in case someone out there reads this and thought about asking me this sometime, now you don't have to, you're welcome for saving you the trouble.

Like I said, I do not hold anything against anyone who may have said any of these things to me.  Some of the things I have said in the past before I was pregnant myself, and if I have (or something else that's not on the list but you didn't want to hear) I'm sorry!   I love you all, and know everyone has my best interest at heart, because they also love me.  Please don't feel bad if you have said any of these to me, I probably don't remember who said what at this point anyway, they're just things that have been said more than once by LOTS of people.
This may or may not pertain to other pregnant ladies, but I think overall, they're pretty decent guidelines to follow when talking to a pregnant lady.

Need some ideas on what to say?

-Congratulations! I am SO happy and excited for you guys!
-Is there anything you need that would help you feel better during your pregnancy? (Oh! Thanks for asking!  I enjoy ginger chews to help with queasiness, cream of wheat, and most anything citrus) 
-Genevieve is going to be a big sister!'
-You look amazing! (I really like words of affirmation, and since I feel fat, tired, gross, you can feel 'amazing' in with anything positive really)
-Is there any worries or concerns you have that I can be praying for you during your pregnancy?
-Hey! Have you heard the new Mumford and Sons cd?  (I am totally ok with NOT talking about pregnancy I promise, feel free to move on with the conversation and not feel the need to talk about it)

I hope everyone can understand where I'm coming from and knows where my heart is.  I have a tendency to over-explain myself and make situations more awkward, hopefully I'm not, but the fact of the matter is, when people say some of  these things, and if it's just the wrong day, it makes me feel fat/judged/whatever not good.  My goal was to present these things in a fun/lighthearted matter so you could consider this my helpful hint to help you help me feel better.  Also, I have heard hilarious stories from pregnant women, so if you have one, again, please feel free to share.  

On a side note, I actually wrote this blog about a month ago on a whim, now that I've "announced" my pregnancy I thought it'd be fun to share. 

Excitement and Hesitations

Sometime soon, Tyler, Genevieve and I are leaving on our week long vacation.  I am getting SO excited for the trip to see family in Chicago, then visit my best friend Kevin and his wife and daughter up near Grand Rapids, then head to our big family reunion down in Cincinnati.   This has been a trip in the making for almost 2 years.   We've been saving money, planning my vacations days for this trip, and gotten pretty excited about seeing everyone.  I haven't been this excited for a vacation in a long time.

However, there is one aspect of the trip I'm not very excited about... in fact, I'm pretty hesitant about it... it's the 29 hours of driving in the week.... with a one year old.  Before you all give me your amazing ideas about how to travel with kids, I promise I've heard most of them.  Not to shoot you down or anything, but I've met with other moms, I've looked up ideas on Pinterest, and I am as prepared as a mom can be... it doesn't mean I'm looking forward to it.

She's at that fun age where she can't quite communicate or participate in almost any road trip games... and... my child is sensory driven.   Most kids like to go in and play with their toys, my child does not.

What we have here is a box full of uninteresting, unimpressive toys.  I haven't bought her any toys personally, these have all been generous gifts that my child is just not interested in.  Sure she'll play with them sometimes, if just to take them out of the box while laughing as she throws them around the room.   But as far and playing with or engaging with the toys...she's just not quite there yet.   So if I want to entertain my child for any amount of time, I can do so with things around my kitchen.  A sure way to keep her entertained for at least 45 minutes is rice or beans with a bowl, spoon and cup of some kind.  Cups or bowls of water...finger painting... piles of leaves... also successful entertainment for my child.  Sure it's messy, but the kid loves messy, that's what she lives for.  I love watching her doing what she loves... if you want to see sheer joy on a one year old's face, come watch my kid when she's playing with one of the messy things I give her for entertainment.

Joy in painting.

Playing with rice, not happy that I'm interrupting her play by taking a picture.

Which is why I'm kind of nervous about 29 hours in a car.   How can I entertain this wild, sensory driven child?  I've got all the tricks I know hidden in a bag to pull out as surprises throughout the trip. 

These are some kind of rubber tile samples that Karlie got from a home improvement store of some kind for the child care.   I borrowed them for the trip, the different colors, textures and sizes should keep her entertained for a little bit.

These are some sensory bottles I made up for her.  The first one is some multi-colored rings (you can't seem them until you shake it) in with some glitter-glue and some water.  The second bottle is aloe vera and red marbles.  The third jar is just water and some fun items, pom poms, beads, a little rubber frog, a marble.    Not pictured are lots of touch and feel books, bubbles, magic markers, beaded necklaces, a little mirror, and lots of movies to go in the portable dvd player we are borrowing from a road travel pro friend.    I'm not sure how the movies will work since for the most part Vi isn't that interested in watching movies with the exception of those Wee See videos.   She could just watch those over and over, but unfortunately we don't have them on DVD, we just watch them over and over for free on YouTube. http://www.weeseeworld.com  Maybe it'll rain on the way and we'll be able to stop and let her out to play, that'd be perfect. 

Splashing in rain puddles is the most fun!

So wish us the best!  I'm sure we'll be fine, and have a fantastic time!  Maybe she'll be perfect the ENTIRE time, I'll be sure to let you know.  Also, if you feel you have a sure fire tip that I am missing and would save us completely, leave me a comment, but quick!  

My non political post on the new health care bill

The truth is, I'm not nearly up to date on politics to usually have much of an opinion.  As far as I can tell I really am more libertarian but typically vote Republican.   This health care bill has come and gone with little notice from me until today.

When it passed I asked my super informed cousin, Jason, what that meant...for me.

 Jason: well depending on how poor you are you will either be covered by medicaid

4:08 PM or if you make to much money for that you will have to buy insurance or have to pay a tax by 2015

 me: how do you know if you're too poor

  i think i'm too poor

  so you have to apply for medicaid?

4:09 PM Jason: hold on one sec, earlier i found a caluclator

4:10 PM http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/special/politics/what-health-bill-means-for-you/#

 Alright I think, hope this is easy to follow because I don't really care what happens to everyone else, I just want to know how this will affect my husband and myself.  Sure enough, it was pretty simple and I discovered we would quite easily qualify for Medicaid.  I wasn't sure how I felt about that in and of itself though.  I thought about it, and hated the idea of it, but what else are we going to do?

Then I discovered this:  http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2012/07/05/156312388/medicaid-expansion-whos-in-whos-out 
This link is a picture map of the state-by-state analysis of the medicaid expansion.  Kansas is out. " So the states can skip of the expansion and only miss out on those federal funds that would have gone toward it" 

sprained wrist from cleaning accident

 Hmmm... so many mixed emotions.  Good for Kansas, the last thing we need is to tax people to fund Medicaid right?  Except that means I now won't qualify... yet Tyler and I cannot afford insurance.  I know, we looked into it because we know it's a good thing to have, especially if you are me.  Within the last couple years I have had 3 UTI's, a kidney infection, an ulcer, a torn ligament in my ankle, a sprained wrist, a car wreck where I jacked my shoulder and it is still in pain, (and I didn't have car insurance at the time either...but that's another painful story) and a baby... those are expensive, but for that one I did in fact qualify for Medicaid.  Let's just assume I'm remembering everything here.

torn ligament from tripping on the trail after hiking The Incline

bruised arm from air bag, little did I know that my shoulder was the real injury

So here I am, kind of disappointed that I now don't qualify for the coverage that I didn't agree with in the first place.  One thing that I was kind of looking forward to was being on Medicaid because I legally "had" to.  Why you ask?  Because as I just mentioned, I had my first baby by being on Medicaid.  I know there are ways around it, we could have saved up and paid cash for her to be born, except we moved during that time and Tyler didn't have work right away, once he started working we were in catch up mode and there was NO way we could have had the cash to pay for her birth up front.  I also know of the birthing center, and while I am totally down, my husband was NOT comfortable with that.  So after not knowing what to do, and freaking out about being uninsured after Tyler got laid off, and moving, my cousin Amanda encouraged me into applying for Medicaid.   She reminded me, "I know it's a flawed system, but it's in place to help people like you.  People who are hard working, live within their means and just need help at the moment".  She also said a bunch of other really nice things, but in general, ESPECIALLY within the Christian community, any kind of government assistance is SO looked down  upon that I was constantly feeling ashamed and guilty for using it to have my child.

If you look closely there's a scratch across my forehead, fortunately I walked into a
tree and only got a scratch, we were all very surprised I didn't poke my eye out!

I don't know where this leaves me in the end, or how I really feel about any of it.  Mostly confused.  I know my God is my provider and better yet, my Healer, so I'm not terribly worried about it.  However, I'm also not terribly thrilled with where this is all going with our socialized health care either.

A perfect solution to the healthcare problem.

Finding Strength and tasting good things

Right now I am sitting here eating the most amazing snack I have come up with in a long time.
Say 'Hello' to my friend Annie and Joe.  Joe is Trader Joe's Nutella type spread, and Annie is the delicious little graham bunnies that I am dipping in said spread.  I may or may not have stolen the grahams from Vi, but she doesn't need to know.

If you get a chance, taste this, I promise you won't be disappointed. 

I am eating this deliciousness and writing this blog while trying to ignore a bunch of stuff that's going on in my mind today.  You see, we've heard some rather glum news this week, and it's the kind of thing that  my mind and heart don't quite know how to process. Mostly because there's been a little tug-of-war type thing going on in my head.  There's this spiritual part of me that hears this cry to war, to stand up and fight, to stand and truth and speak life and power!  Then there's this part of me that I will call my weakness (flesh) that keeps whispering that I don't have the strength that is needed in this situation, it's too confusing.  Fortunately it's just been a whisper, and for the most part I've been able to catch it and say, "no! that's a lie!"   Then today I read this:

This is exactly what I needed, God always is so good at delivering exactly what I need, which today was to remember to experience and enjoy His goodness.   His goodness in the little and big things.  His goodness in my amazing family, His goodness in things that make me smile, His goodness in His constant love and confidence in me.
There's so much I have focused on with the fires, and sickness, and doubt... and now I am instead focused on goodness.  So here is what I have found to be goodness today:

This 3 year old came to school today and was SO proud of her socks and sandals, she smiled really big and kept saying "look!" but she didn't really care what anyone actually thought, SHE was thrilled with her sock and sandals...and that's all that mattered.  I admired her confidence and security...and her fashion of course.

For art today the kids got to dip sponges in paint and then throw them down on the paper.  I don't like being involved with the kids art...but once I saw them throwing that sponge down and the paint splatter all over, I have to admit, it was hard for me not to push them off the stool and say "my turn!", it was so great to watch their expressions as they got to make a mess and art all at the same time.

After work today I used the rest of my Starbucks gift card and got another Mocha Cookie Crumble Frap... and I it's just SO. GOOD.   Really, that's all there is to that one.

Art.   Friends' art is even better.  To me, being able to come home and be surrounded by art (this is one little section of art in my house) is so refreshing, inspiring... well, it's just good.  Here are two pieces done by two people very near and dear to me, being able to have their work is being able to have little pieces of them.  They poured themselves into a canvas, their emotions, thoughts, creativity, expressions...and gave it to me.  Priceless.

And of course this little jem.  Although right now she is screaming her self to sleep in the next room after waking up (self soothing my foot), there is nothing better than coming home to her after getting off work.  We usually have a couple hours together before daddy comes home where we read, chase, play and goof off, and it's awesome.  No matter what is going on this week, she's unaware, and it's kind of refreshing.  The world could be ending tomorrow and she'd still be happy reading "You are my Cupcake" and squealing with laughter as I am expected to chase her down and "eat her up" at the end of the book.

So, yes, I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good.  What a good reminder.  So what good things have you experienced with the Lord today?

Should have Taken Home Ec...what's that stand for anyway?

My husband has taken a terrible part time job to help ends meet.  In doing this I have so much respect for him that he is willing to do whatever it takes (even doing monotonous work in a warehouse with no windows or air conditioning) without complaint.  It brings out this side of me that wants to be super wife and take care of everything else for him on the days he is there.  I try to have the house clean the baby taken care of, things organized... and dinner ready.  Except the dinner part is hard for me.

The hardest part in being a wife/mom/adult in general for me has been the dinner part of it.  I hate cooking.  For several reasons... I find it dull... tedious... messy... exhausting... confusing... frustrating... overwhelming... well... you get the idea.  I think the worst part is cleaning the kitchen, then messing it all up, and having to clean it again!  Or the fact that I usually have NO idea what i'm doing.  Anyway...we rely on WAY too many frozen meals, ready spaghetti, and box meals for me to remotely feel healthy.  So since I'm wanting to be super wife, I decided to try to actually cook every once in awhile.  No big commitment here... just 1 meal every couple weeks to start.  (I know you're wondering what we've been eating up to now...and frankly I have no idea.)

So today Tyler not only had to work at the warehouse, but also mow the yard.  So... I decide, to show my gratitude for my husband, I am going to make a REAL meal!   I decided to make Chicken Parmesan, a dish I have never made before (surprise surprise with all my experience I know!)  I get off work, go to the bank, go home and unload and load the dishwasher, go switch cars with my husband, go pick up Vi, go to the grocery store, get ready to checkout... wait! where's my bank card?!  UGH!  Drive ALL the way BACK to tyler's work to get my bankcard out of the truck, drive ALL the way back to the store to get my groceries.  By the time I get home I realize it's pretty much time for Vi to eat so I have to cook her up something quick (which means yes, I made two dinners).  I go to get started cooking and realize that I do NOT in fact have everything I need... apparently I thought I had olive oil... I did not.  By this time it's near 6 and I haven't even started and so I start freaking out.  Long story short... Tyler got olive oil from the Vaughn's... and dinner turned out amazing.

The moral:  I seriously don't believe making my husband a dinner should be THAT difficult.  It made me want to never tackle a meal again.  Not to mention that reading the directions I was half guessing because I have no idea what half those cooking terms mean... dredge? Throw in a needy 1 year old screaming at my feet and holding onto my legs as I'm trying to figure out the obstacle course that is the food in my kitchen and it was just overwhelming.  I still haven't even cleaned up from tonight!  It was TERRIBLE!  but delicious.

Anyone want to come clean my kitchen?

Tomorrow, we are having mac-n-cheese.

Vi demonstrating how I felt at the end of it all.

Oh moms

The thing is, we all do this "mom" thing differently.   We feed our kids differently, we put them down to nap and bed at different times, we let them watch different things, we let them try different activities, and we view children entirely differently than each other in general.   Being a mom is hard, so although we all do things differently, we are usually all somewhat insecure in how we are doing things.  So therefore if another mom is doing something differently, we criticize their choices and it makes us feel better about how we are parenting.  

Me, the food Nazi mom, let my child have graham cracker *gasp!* ... I know. 

Here's a funny conversation I had with Amanda earlier:

amanda horner

2:37 PM

Who would judge you?

---

me

2:37 PM

moms

---

amanda horner

2:38 PM

I'd judge you if she was in pagents

---

me

2:38 PM

they're the worst

---

amanda horner

2:38 PM

otherwise you're good.

Moms are the worst. Seriously.

---

me

2:38 PM

alright, fine, i'll enter the parent magazine competition then

---

amanda horner

2:38 PM

I don't mean that ironically.

---

me

2:38 PM

nor do i... they are each others worst enemies. FACT.

---

amanda horner

2:39 PM

FAAAAAAACT

I feel like Christian moms are super terrible.

---

me

2:39 PM

how so?

---

amanda horner

2:40 PM

Because they judge you for your mothering choices AND as they relate to being a Christian.

You let your child listen to non-christian, non-children music?

You fail at life.

---

me

2:40 PM

this is a true observation i think.

---

amanda horner

2:41 PM

I'm not talking about real Christians, I'm talking about THOSE christians

---

me

2:41 PM

however, the good thing about being a Christian, is you can usually find a good mom support group

---

amanda horner

2:41 PM

Music was an easy exmaple, but it's a lot of things...

---

me

2:41 PM

while being a non christian mom i think you usually have to fend for yourself, but maybe i'm wrong

Why do we as moms make our lives so much more difficult by being so judgmental of each other?  I'm just as guilty of this.  This week I saw a parent stand there as their 4 year old grunted while hitting their stomach hinting that she wanted to be picked up.  So the mother picked her up.  I was completely appalled.  All day I kept saying, "I don't even let my 1 year old act like that!  She at least says 'up, please' before I pick her up!"  I like to think I'm being better than "those" other moms because I didn't tell the guilty mother my thoughts.  Yet...am I so different if I am SO appalled by another mothers actions?  Why did I get so worked up about it?  The child is a wonderful little girl, who is funny, and smart.   She might be a little whinier than other kids... is that worth completely judging the parent?  Later as I think about that moment, it isn't so much that the mother was all that terrible, I just think I saw it as an opportunity of where I was ... well, better.  MY child will have better manners (and probably a better vocabulary) than HER child.   Makes me feel really ridiculous, but it's an honest admittance.    When my child is acting bad and friends are over, yes I still discipline her and try to teach her how to behave... but I do it with a little bit of guilty excuses like "she's teething, so she's more whiny today" or "she didn't sleep very well"... when really, she's being a toddler, she's testing the waters to see if I'm going to be consistent and in charge or not.   

Some 1 year old attitude because I told her "no", she wasn't tired or teething.  

I feel guilty for excusing and judging... because I HATE when I hear it from other moms towards me.  I HATE hearing about how they wouldn't let their child listen to the Beatles (which then I turn around and judge them right back of course) or how they think a 7 o'clock bedtime is too early or that THEY just pray for their food and don't think it's important to feed them organic.  Then I get all defensive "well, we get up so early" or "I just have a hard time feeding her non organic when I have learned what I have about foods, but I know God is bigger than all that it's just..."  geez, I'm feeling a little defensive as I type this.  
Here's the thing, I know I over think things... so there's a chance maybe moms aren't being judgmental at all, maybe they're just saying they don't do that, and I'm insecure?   But let's be honest, even if one person wasn't being judgmental, the next person is.  
So again... why do we do this to ourselves?  Wouldn't it be awesome if you met someone who did things WAY differently than you did, and your response was "wow, tell me about that" or "I can see you are doing things the best you know how, that's awesome, you're child is loved and cared for"  it seems kind of cheesy, but it'd still be good to hear.   I guess that's my challenge to myself... to be THAT person.  The super cheesy one to encourage other moms.

betrayal and selfishness

There are two thoughts that have been rambling around in this head of mind, and since I haven't blogged in several months, I figured this could be a good place to type it all out and be done with it for the time being.

One, a friends betrayal is one of the worst things I've had to experience... more than once in my life.  We all have to experience it at least once in our lives if we have people we call our 'friends'... we live in a fallen world full of sin, and peoples imperfections rear their ugly heads in our friendships.  We all mess up... but I consider that something different than betrayal.   Betrayal takes those confidences and trust you have in a friendship and stomps them out painfully.  In the most recent incident it's been especially hard to go through because I've had to support and watch people extremely close to me go through pain.  Overall, I've spent most of my energy and time supporting , encouraging, and praying for the ones close to me that were hurt.  However, a few weeks have gone by and I've realized that I too am hurt, I too am angry, I too am overwhelmed, I too feel like losing hope in people, I too may want to become a recluse and quit involving my heart with people.  I'm so mad! I'm so hurt!  I know this is temporary, emotions that are a result of feeling betrayed... and I know that forgiveness and grace have huge roles yet  to play.   That awkward time before resolution though... of hurt and forgiveness, of confusion and trust, or wisdom and foolishness... these times are rough.   I'm thankful that God has continued to have faith in me... therefore I feel as though I must continue to have faith in others.  It's a choice I have to make even though I may one day again be betrayed, or hurt, or disregarded by someone I love.  

Which brings me to my second thought.  I feel as though at the root of most betrayal is selfishness.  It could be that has just been the case in my personal experience, but in at least a LOT of cases, a person's selfishness is what ultimately leads to their act of betrayal.   That being said, I have found that very often.. I am extremely selfish.   Honestly, who doesn't want to be?  Everything in our flesh says "what about me?! me! me! ME!" which is why Christ calls us to put to death our flesh and become a new creation.  So difficult.  Lately, I've been feeling guilty about my selfishness as a mom... yet not guilty enough to change it.  You see, it is SO important to me that I do things for the betterment of my child... to an extent.  I have a few kids worship cds and dvds and things like that... and they are honestly... terrible.   I don't exactly consider myself a music 'snob', but I am extremely passionate about the music in my life and well, ok... I'm probably a music snob.  So here it is, almost everyday i see this "Hide Em In Your Heart" cd/dvd and think, I should play that for my baby.   It never happens. 

Vi gets to play with the dvd and cd cases!

 Listening to those kids sing scripture in their annoying little voices with the cheesy music and super repetitiveness that's supposed to instill the Word is worse than nails on a chalk board for me.   It offends me.  I put it on, and after one song I turn it off, and say something to Vi along the lines of "I'm sorry Vi, I want you to know the word, but it's also important to me that you have a good influence of music, so here's some Fleet Foxes for us to listen to".      This is a small and kind of silly example but I do some form of this in and out of everyday.  Where something might be better for someone... but I want something else instead.   Selfishness.   And because of the recent events in my life I seem to becoming more and more aware of my own selfishness.  Maybe I'll start to act on that guilt and change my selfishness... maybe tomorrow, today we listen to Of Monsters and Men... thanks Amanda!