betrayal and selfishness

There are two thoughts that have been rambling around in this head of mind, and since I haven't blogged in several months, I figured this could be a good place to type it all out and be done with it for the time being.

One, a friends betrayal is one of the worst things I've had to experience... more than once in my life.  We all have to experience it at least once in our lives if we have people we call our 'friends'... we live in a fallen world full of sin, and peoples imperfections rear their ugly heads in our friendships.  We all mess up... but I consider that something different than betrayal.   Betrayal takes those confidences and trust you have in a friendship and stomps them out painfully.  In the most recent incident it's been especially hard to go through because I've had to support and watch people extremely close to me go through pain.  Overall, I've spent most of my energy and time supporting , encouraging, and praying for the ones close to me that were hurt.  However, a few weeks have gone by and I've realized that I too am hurt, I too am angry, I too am overwhelmed, I too feel like losing hope in people, I too may want to become a recluse and quit involving my heart with people.  I'm so mad! I'm so hurt!  I know this is temporary, emotions that are a result of feeling betrayed... and I know that forgiveness and grace have huge roles yet  to play.   That awkward time before resolution though... of hurt and forgiveness, of confusion and trust, or wisdom and foolishness... these times are rough.   I'm thankful that God has continued to have faith in me... therefore I feel as though I must continue to have faith in others.  It's a choice I have to make even though I may one day again be betrayed, or hurt, or disregarded by someone I love.  

Which brings me to my second thought.  I feel as though at the root of most betrayal is selfishness.  It could be that has just been the case in my personal experience, but in at least a LOT of cases, a person's selfishness is what ultimately leads to their act of betrayal.   That being said, I have found that very often.. I am extremely selfish.   Honestly, who doesn't want to be?  Everything in our flesh says "what about me?! me! me! ME!" which is why Christ calls us to put to death our flesh and become a new creation.  So difficult.  Lately, I've been feeling guilty about my selfishness as a mom... yet not guilty enough to change it.  You see, it is SO important to me that I do things for the betterment of my child... to an extent.  I have a few kids worship cds and dvds and things like that... and they are honestly... terrible.   I don't exactly consider myself a music 'snob', but I am extremely passionate about the music in my life and well, ok... I'm probably a music snob.  So here it is, almost everyday i see this "Hide Em In Your Heart" cd/dvd and think, I should play that for my baby.   It never happens. 

Vi gets to play with the dvd and cd cases!

 Listening to those kids sing scripture in their annoying little voices with the cheesy music and super repetitiveness that's supposed to instill the Word is worse than nails on a chalk board for me.   It offends me.  I put it on, and after one song I turn it off, and say something to Vi along the lines of "I'm sorry Vi, I want you to know the word, but it's also important to me that you have a good influence of music, so here's some Fleet Foxes for us to listen to".      This is a small and kind of silly example but I do some form of this in and out of everyday.  Where something might be better for someone... but I want something else instead.   Selfishness.   And because of the recent events in my life I seem to becoming more and more aware of my own selfishness.  Maybe I'll start to act on that guilt and change my selfishness... maybe tomorrow, today we listen to Of Monsters and Men... thanks Amanda!