How to talk to a Pregnant Woman

With the joys and anticipation of a new baby in your life comes lots of change, uncertainty, fears, excitement, challenges, and overall knowing your life is going to never be the same!  I have realized there are many moments that are just simply frustrating... when I forget simple things, I get confused easily, I am more sensitive than normal... I have come to realize, I am an extremely hormonal pregnant lady.  That being said, there were many things said during my first pregnancy, and already during this pregnancy that were just not things you want to say to a pregnant woman and I want to point these out as friendly tips to the general public.   If you have said any of these things, I am not holding it against you, I have just come to realize that well after I had my first child, before I was even pregnant with my second, I was dreading the same comments, which tells me it wasn't "just" my hormones, but things that may not be needed.  Also on this list are things friends and family have added from their experiences.  Apparently, lots of pregnant women hear funny things... if you have such an experience, please share as a comment, I find these said things rather humorous.

1.  "Were you planning this baby?"- When I tell you I'm pregnant, the fact is... I'm pregnant.  The baby is coming whether it was planned or not.  I never know how to answer this question because I always worry there's more behind it, if I say 'yes' does that mean they will then think we should have waited?  Or if I say 'no', that means the baby could be labeled as an "accident".  I used to answer the safest way I knew how, which was "well, we weren't doing anything to prevent it" which people always respond with, "well, then you were planning it".   I way over think things, this is my biggest flaw and I am well aware of that... however, if I am telling you I am pregnant, I don't see any reason to ask whether or not the baby was planned, let's focused on the fact that there is a baby, and celebrate new life! Yay baby!

2. "Can I rub your belly?" - Let's be honest, people don't actually ask this... they just do it.  But unless you want me rubbing your belly, assume I don't want you rubbing mine.  It's just weird.  I want to continue on this, but really, it's that simple, weird.

However, not weird when your kid wants to rub bellies!

3.  "How are you going to pay for the baby?" - None ya!  At least that's how I usually WANT to answer, I have yet to say that.  know people's intentions have never been to offend me, but I don't see any reason in asking any person this question.  I'm telling you the exciting news of having a baby, and you want to know how I'm paying for it?  Do I tell you how I pay for anything else?  Does it matter if I pay cash, use Medicaid, have insurance or maybe I'm taking out a loan?  The thing is, I feel this question only opens up the door for me to feel judged.  Before I told many people I was pregnant with this child I confided with a mentor about my fear of people asking us how we're paying because I hate feeling judged, they replied "no one is going to ask you that!"  Unfortunately, they were wrong.  Also, there may be a person in my life that this could be an exception to, but overall... I think it's a good one to avoid.

4. "You're getting huge!" - While I am well aware of the fact that I may be starting to resemble a whale, it's TOTALLY acceptable to lie in this instance.  I mean, I guess you don't have to remark on how I look while pregnant, but I know it has to cross someone's mind on how much a body changes while pregnant.  I know it does mine, and while I may think "Wow, hello whale lady!"  I prefer to say, "you look radiant!"  So you can even just completely quote me if you can't come up with anything, it's cool.

About as huge as this pregnant statue?! No bigger. 

5.  "Who all have you told?"  - Here's the important part, I want to share this news with YOU.  This isn't a popularity contest, or a ranking system of some kind.   Maybe we told you before someone else because we didn't know when we'd see you (or them) next.  We probably told immediate family before extended family.  We might not have been able to get a hold of certain people, or knew we'd be seeing them in the future and wanted to tell them in person.  Doesn't matter really, maybe we really do like someone else more than you.  Do you really want to know that?  When we do tell you, we want you to celebrate the news with us, if we didn't want you to celebrate with us, then we wouldn't have told you at all.

6.  "Don't use a birthing center"- *Sigh*... this is a touchy subject in my family.  I think me bringing this up now may get me disowned by my mother (just kidding mom, I know you love me).  However, I do feel like it is up to ANY mother to decide how her birth story is going to go.  I am not an idiot, I am aware of how my sister's birth experience went, and it was extremely unfortunate.  (Just to clarify, she had a beautiful, healthy, baby girl, but the birth experience in itself was dreadful)  That being said, I know TONS of other stories at birth centers that have been beautiful, touching, amazing stories, where everything went perfectly smoothly, and the baby was completely healthy.  I also know of some terrible deliveries that have happened in hospitals.  I could go on and on about why I could choose or not choose a birthing center, but the bottom line is, I want to know that it is MY choice, and people will love and support me regardless.  By the way, because I know this will lead to an inevitable "so where are you having the baby?" I did in fact choose the hospital, but mostly because my midwife, who I love dearly and delivered Genevieve, works there!

7. "Make sure you exercise more"- We all know the importance of exercise, you're healthier, you lose fat, it's great!  With pregnancy, your delivery will usually go smoother, you'll lose the baby fat quicker, and you'll recover more quickly.  See?  Look how much I know!  However, I have been sick almost ALL the time with this pregnancy, and eating bland rice and noodles for meals.  I know eating all carbs is bad, but I also know not eating at all is also bad.  Let me survive my pregnancy and I promise I will try to walk enough to make it up later.

I own a jogging stroller, convincing evidence of my willingness to exercise. 

8.  "You sure are dumb since you got pregnant" - Now, a few friends of mine have gotten away with this one because usually I bring it up first and we all get a good laugh out of it.   Including my husband.  However, be slow with this one, some days it's funny, other days I just might start bawling my head off, and then you'd have to deal with a crying pregnant lady... good luck with that.  Yes, I know I am finishing my sentences with "la la la" because I can't remember my thoughts or words to use... and I know I seem to lose everything I touch... but pretend you don't notice how dumb I am.  You don't have to lie about this one, and tell me I'm super quick or anything, but just let a few things slide.  (However, to make you confused, if I am laughing at my pregnancy brain it is totally OK to laugh along).

9.  "Are you going to breastfeed?" followed with "Don't you just love breastfeeding?"  - I think I have guiltily asked this myself.  Here's a simple answer.  Yes.  and  No, I do NOT love breastfeeding.   If you know me, you know this about me, it's not something you have to ask to find out.  But just in case someone out there reads this and thought about asking me this sometime, now you don't have to, you're welcome for saving you the trouble.

Like I said, I do not hold anything against anyone who may have said any of these things to me.  Some of the things I have said in the past before I was pregnant myself, and if I have (or something else that's not on the list but you didn't want to hear) I'm sorry!   I love you all, and know everyone has my best interest at heart, because they also love me.  Please don't feel bad if you have said any of these to me, I probably don't remember who said what at this point anyway, they're just things that have been said more than once by LOTS of people.
This may or may not pertain to other pregnant ladies, but I think overall, they're pretty decent guidelines to follow when talking to a pregnant lady.

Need some ideas on what to say?

-Congratulations! I am SO happy and excited for you guys!
-Is there anything you need that would help you feel better during your pregnancy? (Oh! Thanks for asking!  I enjoy ginger chews to help with queasiness, cream of wheat, and most anything citrus) 
-Genevieve is going to be a big sister!'
-You look amazing! (I really like words of affirmation, and since I feel fat, tired, gross, you can feel 'amazing' in with anything positive really)
-Is there any worries or concerns you have that I can be praying for you during your pregnancy?
-Hey! Have you heard the new Mumford and Sons cd?  (I am totally ok with NOT talking about pregnancy I promise, feel free to move on with the conversation and not feel the need to talk about it)

I hope everyone can understand where I'm coming from and knows where my heart is.  I have a tendency to over-explain myself and make situations more awkward, hopefully I'm not, but the fact of the matter is, when people say some of  these things, and if it's just the wrong day, it makes me feel fat/judged/whatever not good.  My goal was to present these things in a fun/lighthearted matter so you could consider this my helpful hint to help you help me feel better.  Also, I have heard hilarious stories from pregnant women, so if you have one, again, please feel free to share.  

On a side note, I actually wrote this blog about a month ago on a whim, now that I've "announced" my pregnancy I thought it'd be fun to share.