Cry, Cry, Cry

Here's a funny thing about pregnancy... it completely changes how I react to some things.  Now, I know it's mostly the hormone levels or whatever is going on in my brain/body that causes these changes... I know this in my head...but I sure wish I knew it well enough to control it.   See, the thing about me is that I'm not really a person who cries a lot.  It's not because I'm afraid to cry, or think crying is bad, or that I feel the need to be strong or tough...I just... don't do it.   I see other women cry at commercials, and sad stories, or when their feelings get hurt, and usually I think, "huh...that's weird".  I understand women are more emotional, and believe me, I am very emotional.  Have you seen me angry?  Yeah...I'm emotional, I just tend to show my emotions more openly through joy and anger, very rarely crying

That was until I got pregnant.  I don't remember being this absurd when I was pregnant with Genevieve.  Yes, there was that one time I ran out of Cream of Wheat and cried my eyes out convinced my day would be completely ruined without it.   However, this time around it's different...it's terrible.  My eyes are watering up ALL the time...and I think to myself.."What's happening to me?!"   I was driving home from picking up Vi from my sisters a couple weeks ago when a fire trucks passed me with it's lights on.   I started crying and thinking "oh no!  Some poor person had to call 9-1-1! That's terrible!"  Then I realized how ridiculous I was being and laughed at myself the rest of the way home.  Yet I still had that moment where I was stricken by sadness, and even if I was able to see I might have been overreacting a bit, it was completely legit in that moment.  (And yes, it might have actually have been terrible that someone had to call 9-1-1, but that's not a "normal" response and you know it).  

I'm starting to get to the place where I'm nervous to socialize.  While I have always thought it was perfectly fine when other women cried, I have NOT felt like it is perfectly fine for me to break down and cry.  I'm terrified I'm going to cry in front of my preschoolers.   The other day I was talking about how much I love them and want the best for them to a friend and had to stop talking because I realized I was going to cry.   I am going through my pictures of my own child and catch myself about to cry again just because I love my kid.  I sold my chinchilla's this weekend, and although I did it for the best, I kept crying about it.  A cute commercial came on, I changed the station because I started to cry.  I had a serious talk with my husband and almost started to cry.  Don't even get me started on the mess I become watching Parenthood every week.  I found myself thinking about how Rover turned 11 this year and started crying because I realized he isn't going to live forever...even if he's in perfectly good health now.  I thought of how Snoopy is getting older... I didn't cry.  :)   I don't know why I'm so afraid to cry in front of others, other than I just don't feel like myself at all.  It's just a total lack of control.

This picture?  Yep, make me cry. 

So if I seem a little anti-social as of late, it might be because I'm tired, it could be that I'm busy or maybe have other stuff to do, but there's also a chance I'm avoiding crying in front of you.  It just seems so...awkward!  If I do cry in front of you, I'm sorry...it's weird...I know.  Go ahead and laugh at me if I do though...I know you're just trying not to anyway.   Then let's carry on like nothing happened at all.