Love and Loss

Many have asked me, how Rover passed and how Charlotte came to be, so I figured I'll just make a blog about it.  Also, the last time someone asked me about it and I thought I was fine, when I told the events that unfolded, I started to cry again, and I'm quite tired of that whole crying process.

The month of November Rover started vomiting.  He has had gastritis a few times in his life, so I tried switching him to bland foods and giving him some Pepcid AC.   After a week of no improvement I took him to the vet where they did bloodwork and an x-ray.   There we saw a  little bit of a shadow beside his stomach, but as I didn't want to pay for an ultrasound, we decided to try a couple medical approaches.  After 3 weeks of continually getting worse, despite a couple of different approaches, it was deducted that the most likely culprit was a tumor of some kind, and with nothing else to do, I had to put him down. Although up to this point in my life, it was by far the most difficult thing I have had to do, the process was surprisingly peaceful.  Getting to cuddle up with Rover one last time and see him have some peace and comfort was really good for me despite being so incredibly painful.

The rest of that week is kind of a loss to me.  I suppose I grieved as most people grieve.  I went about life, taking care of my family, going to work, and crying in between.  Coming home everyday was extremely painful, I hated that I couldn't stop myself from still glancing for Rover.  Every night my chest would tighten and I would feel as though grief was just sitting on me with such weight that it hurt my entire body.

After crying all week, I had The Walk Through Bethlehem to participate in.  During dress rehearsal I got into a conversation with Michelle who opened up about her grieving process when she lost her dog.  She related to the feeling of not wanting another dog for some time, but explained how with a three year old who really wanted one, they went ahead and adopted a new dog.  She then explained how much healing and love that dog brought them in such a way that made me turn to my husband and plead, "I need a puppy!".   In reality I still believed not only could I not love another dog as I did Rover, I was in no way, shape or form in a period of my life that I could handle a puppy.  I wanted to have a meet and greet with a puppy to see how my emotions/heart would be, yet knew in my mind that while working, and having two toddlers, and being involved in other activities, that I didn't have the time or patience to truly train a puppy.

We went to the Great Plains SPCA on a Saturday morning, when it was super busy with lots of families wanting to meet puppies.  We went into the puppy room and my heart lurched when I saw a Rott/Shepherd little boy puppy who was 8 weeks.  I thought I was in trouble, because it was everything I was looking for in an ideal next dog.  With it being so busy, we had to wait to meet the puppy, so Tyler asked a worker if they had any other young dogs not in that puppy room.  The worker responded "well, the puppies are all in the puppy room, but we have Abby who is just 7 months, who is super sweet in this other dog area if you'd like to meet her"   We had time to spare so agreed.  When I saw her my initial response was "Eh, whatever", she was a border collie mix, and looked like Snoopy which didn't give me the best first impression since Snoopy and I love to hate each other.  Also, she was 'too old' in my mind for ideal training and of course, she was a girl, I didn't want a (excuse my language but no other word for what I was thinking) little bitch.

We went into the dog room to wait to meet her since there was no wait for the adult dogs.  As soon as she came in, she ran to me and curled up in my arms just like Rover did the day I met him.  I immediately had to fight back tears as I met this lover girl.  I looked up at Tyler and simply said, "I love her".   While we were in the room, Vi threw herself at the dog and she stood there and let Vi love her.  Zeke screamed while he was playing and she didn't jump, startle or even bat an eye in response.  She didn't jump on my kids, she was attentive, she cuddled, she was playful, she was just lovely the entire time we were there.

When we put her back and were able to meet the puppy I had waited for in the puppy room, I realized what I expected to happen when I met him is exactly what happened.  He peed all over the place, he jumped all over my kids, nipping them and making them scream; pretty much just acted like a puppy.  Don't get me wrong, he wasn't a bad dog at all, just a playful puppy who needed more work than I was equipped to handle at the time.  But boy was he cute, super cute, just not cute enough to make me insane.

Tyler looked at me and I said, he's cute and all, but I fell in love with that other girl.  He was like, "that's good", and went to the bathroom while I got the kids ready to go.  On our drive home I told him that I knew things were tight, and that we had a few more gifts to buy, but just maybe I would make enough with my last Scentsy order that when I got paid we could see if she was there on Monday and I could go adopt her.  Tyler reminded me we weren't planning on getting a dog, but was compassionate as well and said "yeah, we'll see if she's there Monday".

When we got home, Tyler left to head up to the church to set up for The Walk Through Bethlehem and I got the kids set up and tried to get ready to go as well. After about an hour or so, Tyler came in with both my parents, and Abby (soon to be renamed Charlotte)!  I came to find out that when Tyler went to the 'bathroom' he was actually putting a down payment on my girl to bring her home without me knowing it, and my parents had been discussing wanting to get me a dog for Christmas!

She has been so incredibly amazing to have.  She has helped me mourn, heal and love so much.  Apparently we lucked out and she's housebroken, and overall extremely well behaved.  I've had fun getting to focus energy on further training her and working with her.

I have still been grieving Rover, just the other night I think I surprised Tyler when he turned to see me crying in bed.  Rover was my best buddy for 13 years and his presence is still severely missed...but now I can breathe a little better.