Deep as a Puddle

"Find something you're passionate about and keep tremendously interested in it.” - Julia Child

For the longest time I have tried to find lots of things to be my hobby.  Not because I was necessarily passionate about them, but because I saw someone else was good at it, and I decided, I'm impressed by them, therefore I want to be like them, therefore I will be good at what they are good at, and therefore be awesome.  The first problem with this thought process is that there are far too many "therefore's" in it, the second problem is that by the time I barely get started with my new hobby, I'm already uninterested.  Let's see, the things I have started and stopped off of the top of my head: knitting, basketball, calligraphy, soccer, guitar, softball, Spanish, dance, painting, various collections, a couple businesses and apparently writing.   I feel like there's been more but chances are I don't remember them because they probably only lasted a week or so. 

Then there's photography.  The thing about photography is I truly love it.  It is finely the thing I've found where everything is just... right.   I love capturing moments, I love seeing things a certain way.  I like lighting, and angles, and framing, and the creative process of capturing something just the way I see it.   So yay! I finally found something I'm passionate about, I'm committed to, and consider myself to be fairly good, everything is great right?

"I'm committed to taking pictures of...plants"

  Wrong.  Although I consider myself to be fairly good at it, I still get insecure about claiming to be a photographer, and don't even admit it when I'm around "real photographers".  I'm hilarious actually.   Or ridiculous rather.  I remember in my photography classes through college having discussions about our work and students going into great depth about the meaning behind the picture and what it really means and the symbolism and all that artsy stuff.  I'd get to my work and say something along the lines of "ummm.... so, I took this picture in this way... because when I saw it from this angle I realized I really liked it... cause um, it made me feel good...."   which is completely and absolutely true.  But rather ridiculous sounding, compared to all the artistic fluff everyone was discussing.

"This picture represents the different phases in my life, I am like the stone.  I am like the grass.  I am the clouds.  Don't you see me? Don't you feel me?"

  Even now when I meet "real photographers" I get intimidated when they want to know exactly what aperture setting I prefer with certain lighting situations compared to something or another with shutter speeds.  I understand, I've taken many classes and read many books, but honestly I don't really keep track of it all.  If something didn't come out quite right, I make a minor adjustment to one of the settings and don't think twice about it, I just change things till I like it.

 I love the feeling I get when I get to go out with my camera and just shoot.   This photography project I'm doing with Amanda and Karlie is really helping me remember this and rekindle my love for the creative process.  So I guess I have got to quit being so ridiculous and just remember to- stay tremendously interested in what I'm passionate about.

A picture that I like to end this blog entry.





AMANDALA!

So I've realized how much I really miss getting out and doing photography lately.  I'm funny about my photography, like so many people are about their art, and I love to do it but am so hesitant to share it.  Or when I am not hesitant to share it, I'm so hesitant to take any kind of money or payment for my work.  For me, once a person gives me money my joy, passion, hobby then turns into work, pressure, chance of failure.   Anyway, the whole reason I'm writing this is because my friend, Karlie came up with this awesome photography project idea to do with my cousin and I.  It's 30 weeks (because I just couldn't do one a day) of photography project assignments.  I love this!  It gets me thinking creatively, it gives me a reason to go out and do it, it gives me the joy in sharing what I love!  So we're off to be inspired and creative!

That seemed like the end right?  Wrong.   The cousin who will be doing this with me is Amanda.  Amanda, is having a birthday this week.  So now we will talk about her.

Amanda is not your typical cousin.  See, Amanda and I grew up a little more like sisters.  We grew up across the street from each other and saw each other EVERY day.  For most little girl cousins this would be a dream come true.  Once we started having stuff in common it was!  It was a little iffy there in the beginning when Amanda wanted to play Barbies and I was popping their heads off... Nichelle and her can share in their supposed "trauma" of ruined dolls, but I digress... we did everything together.  We rode bikes, we had secret codes, stories, adventures... we got to share in the world of imagination all growing up, and it was awesome.  The stories the Horner cousins get to share are hilarious and numerous and usually ridiculous.  The story Amanda tells the most is when I decided on May day to roam around the neighborhood, knocking on peoples doors and wishing them a happy May Day!  I was such a nice kid.  The problem with this plan that Amanda saw was that one, we were handing the neighbors flowers that I picked from their own yards, and two, we didn't tell our parents and were getting further and further from home.  I assured her we were fine and when our parents pulled up in the car screaming/yelling and so forth I was quick to admit my wrong.  I apologized with a paper towel full of chocolate chips.  To this day, I think Amanda still expects chocolate chips on May day. 

The story I prefer about Amanda is when we were riding bikes and I crashed face first into a tree.  I made my lip bleed and was obviously too traumatized to push my bike home, so Amanda pushed both of our bikes home while I walked myself crying the whole way.  The reason I prefer this story is because to this day, Amanda does whatever it takes, even if that means taking twice the load if necessary to do what she can for those she loves.  It's almost ridiculous how much she is ALWAYS thinking of others.... but mostly inspiring. 

So Happy Birthday Amanda, I love you, and thanks for pushing my bike when I crashed after turning around to stick my tongue out at you.  That was pretty great. 

  

"momish"

A few weeks ago I had a day where I just felt like I could conquer the world.  I made baby food, I cleaned the whole house, I exercised, I organized, I read and played with my baby, gave her a bath, and at the end of the day I was trying to describe how I felt to my husband and the only adequate word I could come up with was "momish".   Although I am obviously a "mom" there are very few days that I feel very good at the role.  When I get home from work I might be to tired to wash the bottles.  Or maybe that night I put her to bed and didn't read her her usual story.  Silly Things really, but most days I'm just figuring out how to do this whole mom/wife/working woman thing.   So on those rare days that I am on top of the game or feeling rather clever, "momish" is the word.  I like those days, or even those moments.  I've even said to my friend Stephanie when are kids were playing together, "we're so momish!".
However, I have not been very momish lately.  For example, (and I can't believe I'm admitting this to the general public) last week I dropped my kid off the changing table.   Well, I didn't actually "drop" her, but I realized I didn't have her socks, I turned around to grab them and was like, "oh wait, my kid is on the changing table..." I turned back around to watch her fall face first onto the hard wood floor.  My husband came in to us both crying, we were a mess.  I was a mess anyway, Vi was fine within 5 minutes while I spent the rest of the day with a stomach ache and feeling like a terrible mom.   Not leaving a child on a changing table is basic mom training 101.  Or as my compassionate cousin Amanda said, Basic Babysitting 101.  (thanks again for your encouragement Amanda).   Not a momish day.
She also has been sick lately, even though there's nothing I can do about it, I still feel terrible about it!  She is doing much better now but when she was still pretty sick I kept finding myself apologizing to her for her not feeling well.  Even after we took her to the doctor and I could do something about it by giving her breathing treatments, she hated to sit through them so I still felt terrible for "torturing" my child with the mask. 

Vi being "tortured" by her mask

I am starting to realize no matter how much I try, I'm going to have good days, and then I'm going to have terrible days.  I have to stop living in fear of those terrible days, because in the end, a bad day isn't going to ruin my childs life or permanently scar her.  (Although on that  day she fell, my also super encouraging sister told me that when Vi came home with a low grade she'd tell her it was because her mom dropped her on her head as a baby...so thanks again for your encouragement Nichelle)   I love my child, and I do everything I can to provide, love, and care for her and my family...that much I can say with confidence.  

Feeling momish on the days she is super cute and happy, and not sick.

To my fellow mom's out there, you're doing great! Way to be super momish!  To those who are not mom's... be slow to judge, you have no idea what you'll really do as a parent until you are one.  One of the kindest things one of my best friends ever said to me was complimenting me on my parenting, on the other hand, if someone were to question my parenting it would probably crush me.  So encourage one another!  It's a good practice that God tells us to do, and really it makes all the difference in the world.  

I called this blog "rantings" for a reason.

While most people have been writting blogs about the beauty and joy of christmas, perhaps writting reflective thoughts after the holidays and looking forward to the new years resolutions...I have decided to spend my writing efforts trying to get my favorite chocolate back.   Below is an email I sent to Godiva today... I hope it works... it'd probably work better if each of you would also email them and let them know you'd wish the same:

I'm sending this email in hopes that if Godiva is made aware of how incredibly terrible of a mistake they have made that they may fix it.  The chocolate raspberry stars have by FAR been my favorite chocolates ever made.  I found out awhile ago that they stopped making them, which in my opinion is the WORST mistake that has ever been made in the history of chocolate making!  I tried a white chocolate raspberry star... disgusting.  I'm sure if I had never experienced the greatness of the chocolate raspberry stars that the white chocolate one would seem delicious enough, but I am not fooled by this unsatisfactory available option.  My husband for years had gotten me this special treat for our anniversary, and the  poor man is set up for failure every year when he knows I will only be disappointed no matter how great his efforts of spoiling me for our special day are.  Diamonds?  psh.  Flowers?  whatever.  white chocolate raspberry stars?  our marriage may very well be on the rocks!  Maybe the chocolate stars were not your highest selling item, and I understand marketing and making money in most businesses.  However, I had hoped Godiva was more passionate about the art of chocolate than the business.  Please, bring back your mastering the arts of chocolate with the chocolate raspberry stars.  For me, for my marriage, for the art of chocolate.
Sincerly,
   Sasha Logan

If you have not had the said chocolates, you should still email them, so you can try them.   Ridiculous?  Absolutely.  But hey, if it works, then it was well worth it!   Hope eveyrone had and wonderful Christmas.  We had a great Christmas, but I've wasted all this space about chocolates and don't much feel like typing anymore.

Hip, but not hipster!

As I sit here listening to Fleet Foxes, in my hoody, next to my daughter (who is pounding her bottle faster than I'll probably be able to post this blog)... I'm realizing how much I secretly wish I were a hippie.  The thing is, if I were a hippie at least I'd BE a label.  Everyone says they don't want to be labeled anything, individualism and all that crap... but truth be told, it's easier to have a label, people like them more than they know, because it gives people an idea of the kind of person you are without them having to really know you.   I have this new book called "The Creative Family", it is AWESOME.  It pretty much sums up my theories on toys that I try to describe to my family members on the types of toys I want for Vi and why. (See paragraph at bottom) It'd be easier if I were just a hippie and could get away with "she's just a hippie, and won't let her kids have anything but natural toys, what a weirdo".  But instead I have to explain myself. (I know i don't HAVE to explain myself, iI just feel that way more.)  I also like how hippies do the whole "all natural" lifestyle...or at least try to.  It's honestly just a great thing, health wise and stuff.  I do this for my daugther and wish I did it more for me. Also if I were a hippie, I'd have a lot more friends who share my AMAZING taste in music (I'm not biased, I just know the best music to listen to is all.)  It seems when I go to any show of the bands that I love, there's a bunch of hippies.   Also, if I were a hippie, I could dance with a hula hoop at shows.  I mean, who doesn't want to do that?!  I do. 

But I don't have the hippie look that goes with the hoola  hoop... I think you need the look.   If I were a hippie I also could smoke pot.  JUST KIDDING.  geez, don't freak out.  I don't want to smoke pot (nor have I ever even considered it for a moment, I don't want to be stupid.) 

There are just as many reasons I am glad I do not fit with the hippie stereotype.  One, I hate pot.  I mean, not just cause it's illegal and I think following the law is typically is a good idea.  Or not even because it's a drug and well, drugs are bad (I learned that in 6th grade, thanks DARE!).  But mostly because it smells bad... really, really bad.   Which brings me to point number two:  Hippies smell bad.   I'm actually all about natural stuff (like I said in my last paragraph on what I like about hippies) however, not in regards to your body.  I don't care if deodarant may have terrible chemicals, it's better than smelling a person from across the room.  Since we're on the topic of bodies, I could never be a hippie because not shaving is GROSS.  It just is, shave your legs (you know who I'm talking about here)
I need some kind of label for a half hippie... I guess I'll just be hip.   yeeeaaahhh... I'm hip!  Very original I know.  Not ridiculous at all that I just went there.   Don't even get me started on hipsters.  Vi is done with her bottle anyway, no hipster rant today.


From "The Creative Family" by Amanda Blake Soule
"Do the tools and toys around you evoke a feeling of beauty?  By choosing carefully what toys you bring into your home, you can encourage a love and appreciation for good design and craftsmanship. "
"Many modern toys are sophisticated and technologically complicated, which certainly have their place and importance in our lives.  But the downside is that they often eliminate a need for imagination when playing.   If there's a toy that does it all for you, there's little room left for creativity."
"When it comes to playthings for our children, I can't emphasize enough that for creative play, less really is more in regard to toys.  A sad product of our modern world is that our children are taught early on to over-consume and to want more, more and more.  When there are too many things around, there's little room for imagination."

i can touch my toes and so much more!

Here's some advice I've learned as a new mom for you future moms out there.   Stretch.   I mean, really stretch out your limbs with some yoga or pilates or something... it's amazing the weird positions you find yourself in with a child.  Carrying a carseat and bending over to get something, or crawling across the floor on your feet and hands just to make your kids laugh.. your body  is going to need to be a little more flexible and strong that you realize for motherhood.
I find myself in the most awkward positions at naptime.  Every once in awhile if it's a rough day or we are at someone's house without a pack and play or maybe just because I want a nap, Genevieve and I will lay down to nap in a bed.  To leave the bed without waking up the kid is a paranoid filled journey.  First I listen for her sleepy breathing and I start by opening ONE eye to see if her eyes are closed.  If not I quickly close mine, and lay still.  Once I see she has both eyes closed I slowly lift my head.  Then wait.  Then one foot slides off the bed.  Then wait.   Then I slowly shift my weight.  And wait.  Sometimes she will sense I am leaving and open her eyes and I quickly close my eyes and put my head down regardless of the position I am in (one foot on the ground and my body at some weird angle).   Then when all is clear I start slithering like a snake, sliding off the bed an inch at a time.  One wrong move and she wakes up crying so it's very important to shift, slide, and move body parts accordingly.    The last time I was in this position I realized how ridiculous I would look had anyone been watching, but it didn't matter, I had made it off the bed and she was sleeping soundly!   The most annoying part is, once I'm out the door I can talk, play music and walk around normally and she sleeps soundly... but if I so much as move my finger wrong while sneaking out of bed, she wakes up crying. 
Anyway,  all that to say to you future moms, do some stretches, it'll really help you out.

shopping.

So I know this may come as a HUGE surprise to most people...but I hate shopping.  Clothes shopping that is.  I don't mean like, "oh I just feel so fat" or "it takes me forever to pick something" or other things I hear some women say... I mean, I hate every single thing about it.  I hate trying on clothes, I hate looking when I know I won't like anything, I hate the smell (don't pretend you don't know about the clothes department smells), I hate walking by store fronts and feeling so confused at what people are willing to buy in the name of "fashion", shoot, I even hate having to walk by (or *gasp!* sometimes even into) the stores and having to THINK about shopping.  What I hate most, is spending one cent of our money towards something I don't care for, especially when there are SO SO many things I enjoy spending money on.  Namely music.   However, because I do in fact prefer wearing something rather than walking around naked, inevitably I have to go shopping for clothes...sometimes.  I dread these moments in my life with a passion.

A week or so ago my mother-n-law informed me she had a coupon for some percent off of total at Kohl's and asked if I needed anything.  I said no.  To which my husband replied "Sasha, you have ONE pair of jeans, go get some freaking clothes"   Whatever.  Fine.   I couldn't deny it was somewhat easier to start the process when I knew someone else was willing to buy the clothes for me.  I got a pair of jeans, and was ready to go.  My mother-n-law insisted we should get more, and I said I was fine, but she kept insisting.  Ok, I think, I'll go grab a couple guy t-shirts and THEN we can go.   Not so easy.  She wanted to at least get me a couple women's shirts.  I must say, I was fairly surprised when she picked up a couple pieces that I thought looked comfortable, and wearable.  Granted, they were flannel shirts... I am ALL about flannel.  A couple years ago I bought a brown flannel shirt in the men's department at Walmart for a cowboy costume at the daycare I was working at.  I realized I loved the shirt and much to Tyler's dismay, I kept wearing it.  I personally thought it was the most wonderful shirt I had ever owned.  

best shirt ever and best dog ever.

I'm not sure what happened to that shirt, but I'm fairly certain Tyler got rid of it.   So, a flannel shirt in the women's department?  Yeah, I'm down.  Not only was it flannel, but it had little flowers or something when you rolled up the sleeves to prove it was a women's shirt.   I really don't see what the big difference is besides the not so noticeable flowers, but apparently this one is "tyler approved" as well as "women's department" approved.  Anyway, needless to say, I own a new flannel shirt, I'm happy about it, and I had to go shopping to get it.    I feel all grown up and responsible.